September 2, 2006

Office rivalry?

Q. Should I buy a gun or a knife?
-Account Executive, Dallas

A. Dear A.E. in the Big D
It depends on if you want to use it on a creative director or a client.
I’ve heard that “Guns are for show and knives are for pros.” But the guy who told me that blew out the engine of his 1967 Camaro™ in a race. So I think he proves the rule that knives are only cool to other dudes who own knives.
However, there are only two acceptable scenarios for gun ownership. Either you live in the country with an innate respect for the land and life. Or you own a gun safe. That doesn’t mean lock it in your bedside table. Because some kid finding your gun while looking for Playboys is much more likely than you ever stopping a burglar.
If you need protection, get a Taser® brand stun gun. (Legally you have to say it like that because the corporate lawyers over at Taser International are afraid of liability issues if their product name becomes the de facto term for the category, like Band-Aid™ for bandages.)
There’s no upside if somebody gets shot or stabbed. But a few thousand volts can be pretty entertaining.

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