September 2, 2006

That bitch is my best friend

Q. Earlier this year, I got my first job, my own place and my dog back from my parents. (They took care of her after I left for college.) My life is really coming together, but now Muffin is sick. The vet said they can try surgery to save her. (I can afford it if I max out my plastic.) But she’s getting up there in years and the vet doesn’t know if she’ll make it through recovery. So do I take the chance?
- Wondering what’s best for my poor pooch in Atlanta

A. Dear poor pooch,
I assume you’ve been feeding your dog Iams Active Maturity.™ Because you want the best for Muffin, don’t you?
Or are you just trying to hold on to a comforting link to your childhood? You’re finally standing on your own. Life is great, but starting out can be scary. I’m sure it’s nice to have Muffin around loving you unconditionally.
So consider what your pet is really going through and ask yourself,
“What’s in your wallet? ”®
Then decide if you want any cash in it for the next few years. Because despite anything David Spade or those unemployed Vikings tell you, if you have to charge it, you can’t afford it.
Life is forcing you to become a grown-up. Yeah, Life Takes Visa, but it also takes tough decisions. So do what you can to ensure that you and your dog both enjoy the time you have left together. Just don’t jeopardize your future to inhumanely extend hers.

Office rivalry?

Q. Should I buy a gun or a knife?
-Account Executive, Dallas

A. Dear A.E. in the Big D
It depends on if you want to use it on a creative director or a client.
I’ve heard that “Guns are for show and knives are for pros.” But the guy who told me that blew out the engine of his 1967 Camaro™ in a race. So I think he proves the rule that knives are only cool to other dudes who own knives.
However, there are only two acceptable scenarios for gun ownership. Either you live in the country with an innate respect for the land and life. Or you own a gun safe. That doesn’t mean lock it in your bedside table. Because some kid finding your gun while looking for Playboys is much more likely than you ever stopping a burglar.
If you need protection, get a Taser® brand stun gun. (Legally you have to say it like that because the corporate lawyers over at Taser International are afraid of liability issues if their product name becomes the de facto term for the category, like Band-Aid™ for bandages.)
There’s no upside if somebody gets shot or stabbed. But a few thousand volts can be pretty entertaining.

Rapid implementation of comedic content

Q. How can I learn to deliver the ultimate one-liner?
– S in Austin

A. The trick to nailing a great one-liner is being willing to throw out lots of awful ones. It's like brainstorming - there are no bad ideas. In other words, don’t edit yourself. When you throw out the perfect snappy quip, everyone will forget the 20 previous inane, nonsensical comments you made.

The power of dreams

Q. If a man sleeping in front of a TV dreams that he awoke from his sleep and the TV was on did he really fall asleep?
- Fupluver, Jersey

A. Once I had a dream that I was getting dressed for work but forget to put on a belt. When I woke up I realized that I overslept because I had turned off my alarm instead of hitting snooze. Then I told my Creative Director I was late because I couldn’t find a belt.
So it doesn’t matter if he fell asleep or not. The guy probably has TiVo® anyway.